It has now been over 1,600 days since I met my son, Kyler, for the first and the last time. 1,600 days since I watched the nurse carry his tiny, lifeless body out of my hospital room, wrapped so perfectly in his newborn blanket that it made it almost hard to believe he was gone.
It has now been over 950 days since my sweet, baby Preslie died in my arms. 950 days since I watched the doctor remove her breathing tube and allow me to kiss her pretty lips for the first time, as she took her very last breaths.
There have been many days that I don't remember, days where I was so buried within my own grief that I wasn't sure how to put one foot in front of the other. Days that I was certain I could feel my heart break within my chest. There have been days that I could feel my children so close to me, it's almost as if they were actually close enough to touch. And then there were days that it seemed like I would never feel their presence again. There have been days of insurmountable pain, far too great to be overcome. And other days that I am able to smile as I relive their memories.
International Bereaved Mother's Day was created in 2010. One year before I would know what it meant to be a Bereaved Mother. One year before my entire life would change and I would become part of a group of women that we all pray to never be part of.
I am truly thankful for the recognition that is given to mother's who have lost children. A day that is for nothing more than to acknowledge the immense heaviness that is within us as Mother's Day approaches and our children are no longer here to share it with.
Over the last 4 1/2 years, I have learned that there are no words of wisdom to be given on a subject regarding feelings that one cannot possibly comprehend. I have had to beat to my own drum and attempt to continue living a life that felt so unreal.
On this day, International Bereaved Mother's Day, I remember my son Kyler, who changed my life forever. It was because of HIM, that I first became a Mom. I also spend this day remembering my sweet, tiny Preslie - who changed my life in countless ways. It was because of HER that I was able to experience the joys of motherhood. I was able to read to her, sing to her, watch her sleep & stare at her as she looked back into my eyes. I was able to feed her breastmilk, I changed her diaper and was even able to bathe her after she passed away. There are days it seems like I have lived two lives & I hardly feel like a mom, but I am so thankful for days like today, that I can remember my children and know that I AM a mother and that moms like me have a special day set aside for them too.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Monday, June 15, 2015
To My Little One's
Kyler & Preslie:
Kyler -
Wow. Has it really already been over 4 years since my journey of motherhood began? Can it be possible that I have endured this pain for 4 years? Most days, it still doesn't seem real. Most days, I can still convince myself that I am living two lives: the one where I lost you and have had to live every day since that moment and the life that I had before you, when I couldn't have possibly comprehended the magnitude of pain I have felt since your passing. Sometimes, I ask myself how I can possibly live another day - how can one continue to live, breathe, work and carry on with daily activities when 2/3 of her heart is missing? How have I survived 4 years? I guess the true question is not how I have survived, but how I will continue to survive this life without you. I can't fathom this pain for another 70+ years. Is a heart meant to hurt so much, yet still be able to beat?
I found myself searching through your baby box a few days ago. I can still remember everything so vividly - feeling the weight of you in my arms, the way your tiny, green hat covered the silky, dark hair on your head & how badly I wanted to be able to feel those locks of hair everyday for the rest of my life, yet being unable to find a way to make that memory last. I wanted you SO badly, Kyler. I remember looking at you and knowing that I would never be able to bathe you. I would never wash your dark, brown hair. I would never be able to reach down to kiss you and breathe in your sweet smell. I would never wake in the night to hear you calling for me and walk into your room to tuck you back into bed. I would never walk you to the school bus and wave to you as the bus disappeared and stand and wait as it returned again after a seemingly endless first day of school. I would never hear your cry. No matter how hard I have tried, I have never been able to imagine what your voice may have sounded like. I remember looking at you, as you laid still and quiet in my arms, and begging you to cry. I begged. One tiny whimper was all I wanted. It was then that I would know that you were okay. But you didn't cry. And I handed you back to the nurse knowing that I would never hear the music of your tiny voice in my ears. Oh how I miss you. How I have missed you every day since you've gone. I pray for strength to endure this life without you.
I love you, Kyler. I miss you every single day.
Preslie -
On this day 2 years ago, I was pregnant with you. I had been on bed rest for over 2 weeks and had been fighting the hardest fight of my life to keep your tiny body safe within mine. I cherished every tiny kick, roll and flutter. I would lie awake at night, with my hand rested on my belly, waiting for you to move. I just KNEW that you would be okay. I had all the faith in the world that my sweet baby girl would survive this. I knew it was going to be a battle, but I knew that we would win. And we did. In the end, we won 9 days together. 9 days that I was able to touch you, smell you and watch your tiny, brown eyes stare back into mine. I can't think of anything I have enjoyed more than the time I spent with you - reading to you, placing my hand on your back as it raised and fell with each breath, watching your sleep. But, there's not a thing I wouldn't give for just one more day. If I had known that your last day was your last, I would have done things so differently. I would have read you one more story, I would have held you longer, rocked you more and told you how much I love you, one more time. I would have stayed by your side the entire night, I never would have left you alone.
Preslie, I know that you chose to come to Earth and give me the gift of your presence. I know you were so ill and tired and that you deserved to go home to your Heavenly Father but I know you chose to come to me. You heard me beg you every night to fight for one more day, and you did that. You fought every single day until you grew too tired to fight anymore, and that's okay! I am okay. I am just so thankful that you fought hard enough to be able to spend time with me. Do you know how much that means? Those 9 beautiful days worth of memories are going to last me a lifetime - they have to. Because that's all I have and I am so thankful. I am thankful that your brother taught me to cherish every moment I would get with you. He taught me to take a few more pictures and to treasure each second we spent together - because it was longer than I had with him.
I was able to watch your Daddy read to you and to know that you heard him. I was able to change your tiny diaper, feed you some breast milk and wrap your little fingers around mine. I was able to bathe you and dress you in the first and last outfit you would ever wear. What a blessing it was that I was allowed those last, precious moments with you. Thank you for holding on as long as you did and for allowing your Daddy & I to hold you as you slipped away to be with Jesus. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful 9 days that I will ever have in this life. I witnessed a miracle, Preslie. No one believed that you would make it, but I did. I knew you would & you gave that to me. You allowed me a glimpse of what it feels like to be a mother & I pray that I am able to be a mom once again in this life.
I love you, I miss you. I am so thankful to me your mommy.
I cannot wait to see you both. Tomorrow when I wake, I am one day closer to holding you again.
Stay close to me & help me make these difficult decisions. Lead me in the right direction and know that I miss you every single day of my life.
xoxoxo Mommy.
Kyler -
Wow. Has it really already been over 4 years since my journey of motherhood began? Can it be possible that I have endured this pain for 4 years? Most days, it still doesn't seem real. Most days, I can still convince myself that I am living two lives: the one where I lost you and have had to live every day since that moment and the life that I had before you, when I couldn't have possibly comprehended the magnitude of pain I have felt since your passing. Sometimes, I ask myself how I can possibly live another day - how can one continue to live, breathe, work and carry on with daily activities when 2/3 of her heart is missing? How have I survived 4 years? I guess the true question is not how I have survived, but how I will continue to survive this life without you. I can't fathom this pain for another 70+ years. Is a heart meant to hurt so much, yet still be able to beat?
I found myself searching through your baby box a few days ago. I can still remember everything so vividly - feeling the weight of you in my arms, the way your tiny, green hat covered the silky, dark hair on your head & how badly I wanted to be able to feel those locks of hair everyday for the rest of my life, yet being unable to find a way to make that memory last. I wanted you SO badly, Kyler. I remember looking at you and knowing that I would never be able to bathe you. I would never wash your dark, brown hair. I would never be able to reach down to kiss you and breathe in your sweet smell. I would never wake in the night to hear you calling for me and walk into your room to tuck you back into bed. I would never walk you to the school bus and wave to you as the bus disappeared and stand and wait as it returned again after a seemingly endless first day of school. I would never hear your cry. No matter how hard I have tried, I have never been able to imagine what your voice may have sounded like. I remember looking at you, as you laid still and quiet in my arms, and begging you to cry. I begged. One tiny whimper was all I wanted. It was then that I would know that you were okay. But you didn't cry. And I handed you back to the nurse knowing that I would never hear the music of your tiny voice in my ears. Oh how I miss you. How I have missed you every day since you've gone. I pray for strength to endure this life without you.
I love you, Kyler. I miss you every single day.
Preslie -
On this day 2 years ago, I was pregnant with you. I had been on bed rest for over 2 weeks and had been fighting the hardest fight of my life to keep your tiny body safe within mine. I cherished every tiny kick, roll and flutter. I would lie awake at night, with my hand rested on my belly, waiting for you to move. I just KNEW that you would be okay. I had all the faith in the world that my sweet baby girl would survive this. I knew it was going to be a battle, but I knew that we would win. And we did. In the end, we won 9 days together. 9 days that I was able to touch you, smell you and watch your tiny, brown eyes stare back into mine. I can't think of anything I have enjoyed more than the time I spent with you - reading to you, placing my hand on your back as it raised and fell with each breath, watching your sleep. But, there's not a thing I wouldn't give for just one more day. If I had known that your last day was your last, I would have done things so differently. I would have read you one more story, I would have held you longer, rocked you more and told you how much I love you, one more time. I would have stayed by your side the entire night, I never would have left you alone.
Preslie, I know that you chose to come to Earth and give me the gift of your presence. I know you were so ill and tired and that you deserved to go home to your Heavenly Father but I know you chose to come to me. You heard me beg you every night to fight for one more day, and you did that. You fought every single day until you grew too tired to fight anymore, and that's okay! I am okay. I am just so thankful that you fought hard enough to be able to spend time with me. Do you know how much that means? Those 9 beautiful days worth of memories are going to last me a lifetime - they have to. Because that's all I have and I am so thankful. I am thankful that your brother taught me to cherish every moment I would get with you. He taught me to take a few more pictures and to treasure each second we spent together - because it was longer than I had with him.
I was able to watch your Daddy read to you and to know that you heard him. I was able to change your tiny diaper, feed you some breast milk and wrap your little fingers around mine. I was able to bathe you and dress you in the first and last outfit you would ever wear. What a blessing it was that I was allowed those last, precious moments with you. Thank you for holding on as long as you did and for allowing your Daddy & I to hold you as you slipped away to be with Jesus. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful 9 days that I will ever have in this life. I witnessed a miracle, Preslie. No one believed that you would make it, but I did. I knew you would & you gave that to me. You allowed me a glimpse of what it feels like to be a mother & I pray that I am able to be a mom once again in this life.
I love you, I miss you. I am so thankful to me your mommy.
I cannot wait to see you both. Tomorrow when I wake, I am one day closer to holding you again.
Stay close to me & help me make these difficult decisions. Lead me in the right direction and know that I miss you every single day of my life.
xoxoxo Mommy.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
To My Sweet Preslie
My Dearest Preslie,
I wanted to make sure I wrote everything down so I wouldn't forget. Although you are absolutely unforgettable, I want to make sure the memories of you will never escape me.
I still remember the day I found out I was expecting you. I remember it like it was yesterday. That news had brought such light and hope of a future to your very, very sad parents. We cautiously welcomed the news and began preparing for our future with you. I can honestly tell you, I had never been so happy in my life. I could hardly wait to find out whether or not you would be Kyler's little brother or little sister, so we set up an early "gender scan" ultrasound so we wouldn't have to wait too awfully long. Tears filled my eyes as I read the words, "It's a girl!" displayed on the screen in front of me. I just knew that you would be your mommy's spitting image, my "mini-me" and most importantly, my best friend. How I couldn't wait to begin making memories with you.
Nearly three weeks later, my life was forever changed, yet again. An ultrasound had confirmed what we had been dreading: you weren't growing quite as quickly as you should have been. I sobbed as the doctor warned me that you probably wouldn't make it. How could this be happening again? How would we survive that again? Your dad and I returned home and made the decision to continue fighting for you. We weren't giving up that easy. Week after week, appointment after appointment, you grew. Slowly, but you grew. And your strong, little heart beat loudly during each ultrasound. What a phenomenal baby I had growing inside me. You were so strong! I spent nearly three months on bed rest at home making sure I gave you every possible chance I could. And it worked. You finally hit the 1 lb mark and I was admitted to the hospital for closer monitoring. I couldn't believe the day had finally come…the day doctors believed never would. I stayed in the hospital for 27 days, listening to your strong heart beat on the monitor three times a day and I had the amazing pleasure of seeing you on the ultrasound three times a week. I was so in love with this strong-willed little girl we would soon welcome into our family.
I hit 32 weeks and it was finally time for you to come. Your dad and I had never been more scared in our lives, but we were ready to do whatever it took to get you here. As I lay there on the surgical table, I saw the doctors hand you over to the NICU team. The room was filled with the sound of alarms and loud machines but I could still hear your sweet, whimpering cry…as if to tell me you were okay. They were finally able to secure your breathing tube and they quickly wheeled you out of the room. After what seemed like the longest 3 hours of my life, I was on my way to the Children's Hospital to meet you for the first time. Preslie, you were absolutely, stunningly perfect. In every possible way. From your dimple-chin to your crooked baby toes, I was in love. You wiggled around inside your isolette every time we came to visit you. I will never forget the first time you touched my hand, my heart stopped for a moment and all I could think of was how incredibly proud I was to be your mom. You beat all odds, Preslie. You survived a very shaky pregnancy when no one thought you would. You were so brave. I hope you knew deep down, underneath all the sedations and pain medications, that we were there. Your dad and I were there. Every single day. And we would stay all day long, just staring at you. You gave us the greatest gift we had ever received: your time. Something that we were robbed of with your brother and we are so thankful that we had this precious time to spend with you. We were able to read books to you, hold your hand, change your bed sheets…we have photographs and memories of you that will forever be imbedded in our hearts.
After an eight day struggle with your oxygen levels, I was awakened by a phone call from the doctor in the early morning hours of September 17, 2013. She informed us that your oxygenation was decreasing and they weren't sure what else they could do for you, as they had already adjusted the ventilator to the highest setting. Your dad and I sped to the hospital as quickly as we could in order to be with you. Once we arrived, we had to make the most difficult decision of our lives: whether to take you off support or allow you to keep fighting. Once the nurses placed you in my arms, your oxygen levels increased substantially. We decided to let you fight but also decided that if it was your time to go, we wouldn't stop you. I couldn't believe I was finally holding you. It seemed as though I had waited a lifetime. You were even more beautiful up close, outside your isolette. I couldn't stop staring at you, your eyebrows, eyelashes, perfect hands and feet. What a miracle you were, Preslie. Your dad and I both held you close as your stats seemed to remain stable. We really thought you were going to be able to push through this. After cuddling you for a while, your dad placed you back in my arms. Almost instantly, your heart rate dropped from 142 to 60. I looked to the doctor for some guidance and he confirmed what we could see on the monitor. You were dying. Right there in my arms, I was losing you and there was nothing I could do to save you. I held your hand and kissed you as the doctor removed your breathing tube as to allow your passing to be quick and painless. They ensured me that the pain medication was still being given through your IV and that you would go peacefully. I held you, rocked you and kissed you as you gasped for air. My heart was broken. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I would have died in your place if I could have. Could you hear me tell you how much I love you as I was holding you? I just couldn't stop saying it. You opened your eyes and you looked at me. I told you that you were so brave and that there wasn't a prouder Mommy on this Earth. And I meant it. I am so blessed to call you my daughter.
Your dad and I were led into a quiet room where we could have a moment with you. Your heart was still beating, slowly. The nurse and I had dressed you in a small, white gown. It will be the only piece of clothing you would ever wear. We spent hours with you. Kissing you, holding you and telling you how much we love you. You were so beautiful. I was stunned. We were staring at a miracle.
A couple hours later, the doctor came in to confirm that your heart had stopped. You were finally at peace, out of pain, no longer hooked up to tubes, wires and medication. I felt a sense of peace in my heart in knowing that your big brother met you at the gates of Heaven. You were finally together again and I am sure he missed you so while you were gone. We were able to get a mold of your hand and foot, stamp your tiny hands and feet on a card and take as many pictures as our hearts desired. But that will never be enough. We then walked back to your bedside and I gave you a bath. I put a fresh diaper on you and held you just a little while longer. I will spend the rest of my life wishing it could have been more. I never, ever wanted to let you go. We laid you on your bed and walked out of the room and I couldn't bear to take another step. I ran back to your bedside and I fell on you and I asked you what I was supposed to do. Where was I supposed to go from here? How would I live without you? These questions still haunt me and I hope you will help me find my way as I journey through life without you. There are so many things I wanted to teach you. To do with you. To help you with. I will never walk into the NICU at CHKD and travel to Pod G, bed 34 and sit with you, talk with you, read to you. I will never reach inside your isolette and hold your hand. Never touch your tiny head again or stroke your dark, brown hair. Never sit by your side and read you another book. I will never see you cry again as the nurses changed your diaper or tried to get your temperature. I will never get to dress you up in all the pretty things I bought for you, never give you a bubble bath, never see you run to the arms of your Daddy as he returns home from work. I will never nurse you, never feed you the milk I had been pumping since you were born. My freezer is full of that milk and I'm not quite sure what to do with it now. It was yours. YOU needed it. I will never forget the moment I had to walk away from you. The nurse sobbed with me as I held you for the last time. She cried with me as I gave you away, never to see you again in this lifetime.
The day before you died was the best day we had with you. I was able to change your diaper for the first time and your dad was able to give you a q-tip taste of some breast milk, which you thought was very yummy. We left the hospital that night feeling so wonderfully optimistic. We just knew you were going to make it. Little did we know, there were other plans for you.
Preslie, please know that I did everything I could have done for you. I laid on bed rest for you for 100 days, spent nearly a month in the hospital and had a C-section in hopes that you would survive. And you did. You gave me the most wonderful eight days of my life. And the six hours we spent with you on the morning of your passing will always be my favorite memory. I don't regret any moment of our time together both during pregnancy and after. If I had known that all of our hard work would only allow me eight precious days, I would do it all again. I would have loved you and fought for you anyway. It was always so hard to leave you for the night but we knew the nurses loved you and they would take such good care of you. You were their "peanut" and mama and daddy's "princess." Oh how we love you and long to hold you again. I'm so sorry for all the pain and agony you were forced to endure during your short time with us. You are out of pain now, sweetheart. And for that, I will try to find peace. I love you more than I could begin to express to you. I will ALWAYS love you. You will ALWAYS be my sweet, sweet baby and I will ALWAYS be your Mommy. I will see you soon, Princess. I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't say it enough. How I wish I could give you just one more kiss. Please help me survive this again. It took everything in me to build myself back up after Kyler died and I'm not sure I have any strength left. Please be my strength when I feel broken. I need you to stay with me as I endure the rest of this life without you. I love you, Preslie and I never thought the day would come that I would have to learn to live without you in my life. I need you now more than ever. I will see you again, soon. I promise. Until then, stay close to your brother and continue to play in Heaven until we meet again.
XOXO Mommy
Monday, July 15, 2013
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
"When tomorrow starts without me & I'm not there to see
Your eyes so full of tears, showing your love for me.
I wish you wouldn't cry so much, the way you did that day,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
Know each time you think of me, i'm thinking of you too.
So when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
An angel came and called my name and took me by my hand.
It was time for me to take my place, in Heaven far above.
Leaving everyone behind, especially those i love.
As i turned and walked away, a tear fell from my eye
Thinking of my life with you and why I had to die.
I did not want to go, having so much left to do.
And it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, i'm right there in your heart."
-Anonymous
Monday, July 8, 2013
Over 20 Months
Kyler-
How is it possible that more than 20 months have now passed since we laid your tiny, lifeless body in that nurses arms for the last time? It doesn't seem real, I can still see your cute, little nose when i close my eyes. It's like it was just yesterday. Yet so much has changed during this time.
I still think about you constantly. I don't believe that there is ever a moment when you are completely absent from my mind. You are always there, always with me...I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I had a major breakdown on Saturday night. I haven't seen myself like that for quite some time...I don't mind though. It makes me feel so close to you, like you are actually here with me. What i wouldn't give to REALLY have you though, more than just in spirit. To really hold you, and kiss your tiny head, to whisper how much I love you & to know that you can hear me. I often find myself imagining scenarios in my mind that involve you. Scenarios of what i believe my life would be like if you hadn't died...who you may have grown to look like, what your favorite toy would be, your favorite movie, how much you would remind me of your Daddy. How i wish I knew any of those basic, yet so special, details...I do know that you would have brought nothing but joy into our lives and we would have cherished everyday & every hour that we had to spend with you. If i have any regrets at all, it is that i took advantage of our short time together. I never imagined that there would come a day that you would no longer be here...I don't even know the exact moment you left us, I wish i did though. I wish i knew that your last little kick was your special way of saying goodbye. I don't even remember your last kick, I don't know what i was doing at the time, I just know that by the time i realized it was your last, it was too late. If i could change anything at all, I would have made sure to tell you every single day what a blessing you were in my life. You still are nothing but a blessing, Kyler. You have impacted me beyond words. Because of you, I had many months filled with such immeasurable joy & although that joy was followed by the most agonizing pain, our time together made it all so worth it.
I was looking through your pictures today...although they are few, they are the most precious items I possess. There is just something so special about seeing you. You were so beautiful, Kyler. I will be forever grateful that we decided to take those photos. There are only 5 of them and the quality is less than perfect but they are the only memories I have of you. & they are the most beautiful reminders of those few moments we were able to spend with you.
I know i haven't written you in too long, Mommy is so overwhelmed with the scary unknown of this current pregnancy & bed rest. Please stay close to your baby sister, Kyler. Keep urging her to stay strong and to continue fighting! We know when she comes, she will bring a special piece of you with her & each time we look at her, we will think of you. We just need her here with us! Please watch over her & protect her the best that you can and let her know how anxious we are to meet her. We love you beyond words, son & we miss you more & more as each day passes without you. Can't wait to see you again...
One day closer than yesterday.
XOXO Mommy
How is it possible that more than 20 months have now passed since we laid your tiny, lifeless body in that nurses arms for the last time? It doesn't seem real, I can still see your cute, little nose when i close my eyes. It's like it was just yesterday. Yet so much has changed during this time.
I still think about you constantly. I don't believe that there is ever a moment when you are completely absent from my mind. You are always there, always with me...I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I had a major breakdown on Saturday night. I haven't seen myself like that for quite some time...I don't mind though. It makes me feel so close to you, like you are actually here with me. What i wouldn't give to REALLY have you though, more than just in spirit. To really hold you, and kiss your tiny head, to whisper how much I love you & to know that you can hear me. I often find myself imagining scenarios in my mind that involve you. Scenarios of what i believe my life would be like if you hadn't died...who you may have grown to look like, what your favorite toy would be, your favorite movie, how much you would remind me of your Daddy. How i wish I knew any of those basic, yet so special, details...I do know that you would have brought nothing but joy into our lives and we would have cherished everyday & every hour that we had to spend with you. If i have any regrets at all, it is that i took advantage of our short time together. I never imagined that there would come a day that you would no longer be here...I don't even know the exact moment you left us, I wish i did though. I wish i knew that your last little kick was your special way of saying goodbye. I don't even remember your last kick, I don't know what i was doing at the time, I just know that by the time i realized it was your last, it was too late. If i could change anything at all, I would have made sure to tell you every single day what a blessing you were in my life. You still are nothing but a blessing, Kyler. You have impacted me beyond words. Because of you, I had many months filled with such immeasurable joy & although that joy was followed by the most agonizing pain, our time together made it all so worth it.
I was looking through your pictures today...although they are few, they are the most precious items I possess. There is just something so special about seeing you. You were so beautiful, Kyler. I will be forever grateful that we decided to take those photos. There are only 5 of them and the quality is less than perfect but they are the only memories I have of you. & they are the most beautiful reminders of those few moments we were able to spend with you.
I know i haven't written you in too long, Mommy is so overwhelmed with the scary unknown of this current pregnancy & bed rest. Please stay close to your baby sister, Kyler. Keep urging her to stay strong and to continue fighting! We know when she comes, she will bring a special piece of you with her & each time we look at her, we will think of you. We just need her here with us! Please watch over her & protect her the best that you can and let her know how anxious we are to meet her. We love you beyond words, son & we miss you more & more as each day passes without you. Can't wait to see you again...
One day closer than yesterday.
XOXO Mommy
Monday, April 15, 2013
17 Months...
Kyler-
17 months have now passed since I held your tiny, fragile body in my arms and kissed you goodbye. So much has changed during these months, I still miss you unbearably so and it still hurts every moment of everyday, but that will never change. Your original due date anniversary came and went a couple of months ago. To think that you would have been a bouncing, one-year old little boy...we would have been celebrating your first Birthday. I still find it hard to believe that you are gone. I'm sorry i haven't written you in so long, it has become quite difficult to find the right words to say. I just wish you were here, Kyler. I can't say that enough. I would do anything just to see your sweet, little eyes one last time.
As you know, your Mommy & Daddy are expecting another baby. I never imagined how difficult this subsequent pregnancy would be and how much it would remind me of you. Everything that happens, everything i do makes me think of you. You were the first person that came to my mind when we found out we were expecting. It was like i was pregnant with you again.
I still remember that day. There are not many days i remember more vividly. My life was changed forever because I finally knew i had a purpose and it was nothing other than being your Mommy. Since that day, we have moved 5 times. I am now back in the same house I was in when I found out you were coming to our family. it is also in this house that we found out we were expecting your soon-to-be baby brother or sister. I cannot begin to put into words how that feels. I am terrified of the mere thought that nothing will be "yours" anymore. This was your special place. This was the place that my life changed forever. I don't want to use your things. I don't want people to forget that you existed. You are still very much alive in my heart and you will forever be.
About a week ago, I walked into the closet and pulled out a long sleeved, purple maternity shirt and put it on. One that used to mean nothing more to me than any other shirt I owned. But it was in this very shirt that I walked into my doctor's office the day we found out you were a boy. I have pictures all over of me wearing this shirt with a little blue sticker stuck to my tummy, which read, "It's a Boy!" This shirt then meant something to me. Each time I wore it throughout your pregnancy, I thought of how excited I was to meet you and how incredibly excited I was to have a little, Mommy's boy. It was also in this shirt that I stepped into my doctor's office once more, this time was to find out why you had stopped moving. I didn't know it at the time, but this shirt would be the one I was wearing the very last time I rubbed my tummy and tried to coax you to move. It was in this shirt that I found out you had died. I don't think I will be able to wear that shirt any longer. It is yours. It holds too many memories of you and I don't want to share that with anyone else.
I am terrified to plan for and get excited about this baby, Kyler. It isn’t fair and I hate that I feel a bit disconnected. I am terrified at each doctor’s appointment that they won’t find the heartbeat and I cry at each appointment until they do and tell me everything is alright. I am scared every single minute. How can I not be? I know that means I love this baby with all my heart, but somehow I still just feel like I am keeping my distance. In my heart, I was afraid that when people knew about this baby, that they would think all was “better” with us and I feared they would forget about you. I also didn't know how to prepare for all the questions…”How are you feeling?, How is the baby doing? What does the doctor say or think about this pregnancy? When are you due? What is going to happen? Are you scared that it will happen again?” When I was pregnant with you, my answers were always so positive…I always felt good, you were always doing great…and in the end it didn’t matter. I lost you anyway. So even with all the prayers people said for us and all the great doctor visits and checkups, it didn’t mean a damn thing…I didn’t get to bring you home alive. I brought you home in an urn. I can’t go through all that again.
I would never want you to think you are being replaced...It has almost been a year and a half and I still can't figure out how to survive without you. I am still unable to wrap my head around everything that has happened. I don't know that I will ever understand...Speaking of not knowing what to do…I am trying to survive this pregnancy the best way I can. At first, I had no doubt that I wanted your sibling to use the things that we bought for you with such love and excitement…but now, I am not sure if it feels right. I don’t know if I feel your things are just too “you” and that I should just leave them, or if I am feeling like this baby deserves their own room and things. I just don’t know. Either way it is going to be hard. If we don’t use your things, then what am I supposed to do with them? I am not ready to give them away or sell them…I don't think I will ever be ready to do that, but you really have so much stuff…what will I do with it all?
I miss you, Kyler. I never want you to think otherwise. I have never in my life known the feeling of having so much love for someone as I have for you. Please help me through this pregnancy, I don't think I will survive without you.
I love you, Kyler.
I can't wait to see you again. Give your brother or sister a hug for us and hold him/her tight until I am able to do so.
XOXO
Mommy
17 months have now passed since I held your tiny, fragile body in my arms and kissed you goodbye. So much has changed during these months, I still miss you unbearably so and it still hurts every moment of everyday, but that will never change. Your original due date anniversary came and went a couple of months ago. To think that you would have been a bouncing, one-year old little boy...we would have been celebrating your first Birthday. I still find it hard to believe that you are gone. I'm sorry i haven't written you in so long, it has become quite difficult to find the right words to say. I just wish you were here, Kyler. I can't say that enough. I would do anything just to see your sweet, little eyes one last time.
As you know, your Mommy & Daddy are expecting another baby. I never imagined how difficult this subsequent pregnancy would be and how much it would remind me of you. Everything that happens, everything i do makes me think of you. You were the first person that came to my mind when we found out we were expecting. It was like i was pregnant with you again.
I still remember that day. There are not many days i remember more vividly. My life was changed forever because I finally knew i had a purpose and it was nothing other than being your Mommy. Since that day, we have moved 5 times. I am now back in the same house I was in when I found out you were coming to our family. it is also in this house that we found out we were expecting your soon-to-be baby brother or sister. I cannot begin to put into words how that feels. I am terrified of the mere thought that nothing will be "yours" anymore. This was your special place. This was the place that my life changed forever. I don't want to use your things. I don't want people to forget that you existed. You are still very much alive in my heart and you will forever be.
About a week ago, I walked into the closet and pulled out a long sleeved, purple maternity shirt and put it on. One that used to mean nothing more to me than any other shirt I owned. But it was in this very shirt that I walked into my doctor's office the day we found out you were a boy. I have pictures all over of me wearing this shirt with a little blue sticker stuck to my tummy, which read, "It's a Boy!" This shirt then meant something to me. Each time I wore it throughout your pregnancy, I thought of how excited I was to meet you and how incredibly excited I was to have a little, Mommy's boy. It was also in this shirt that I stepped into my doctor's office once more, this time was to find out why you had stopped moving. I didn't know it at the time, but this shirt would be the one I was wearing the very last time I rubbed my tummy and tried to coax you to move. It was in this shirt that I found out you had died. I don't think I will be able to wear that shirt any longer. It is yours. It holds too many memories of you and I don't want to share that with anyone else.
I am terrified to plan for and get excited about this baby, Kyler. It isn’t fair and I hate that I feel a bit disconnected. I am terrified at each doctor’s appointment that they won’t find the heartbeat and I cry at each appointment until they do and tell me everything is alright. I am scared every single minute. How can I not be? I know that means I love this baby with all my heart, but somehow I still just feel like I am keeping my distance. In my heart, I was afraid that when people knew about this baby, that they would think all was “better” with us and I feared they would forget about you. I also didn't know how to prepare for all the questions…”How are you feeling?, How is the baby doing? What does the doctor say or think about this pregnancy? When are you due? What is going to happen? Are you scared that it will happen again?” When I was pregnant with you, my answers were always so positive…I always felt good, you were always doing great…and in the end it didn’t matter. I lost you anyway. So even with all the prayers people said for us and all the great doctor visits and checkups, it didn’t mean a damn thing…I didn’t get to bring you home alive. I brought you home in an urn. I can’t go through all that again.
I would never want you to think you are being replaced...It has almost been a year and a half and I still can't figure out how to survive without you. I am still unable to wrap my head around everything that has happened. I don't know that I will ever understand...Speaking of not knowing what to do…I am trying to survive this pregnancy the best way I can. At first, I had no doubt that I wanted your sibling to use the things that we bought for you with such love and excitement…but now, I am not sure if it feels right. I don’t know if I feel your things are just too “you” and that I should just leave them, or if I am feeling like this baby deserves their own room and things. I just don’t know. Either way it is going to be hard. If we don’t use your things, then what am I supposed to do with them? I am not ready to give them away or sell them…I don't think I will ever be ready to do that, but you really have so much stuff…what will I do with it all?
I miss you, Kyler. I never want you to think otherwise. I have never in my life known the feeling of having so much love for someone as I have for you. Please help me through this pregnancy, I don't think I will survive without you.
I love you, Kyler.
I can't wait to see you again. Give your brother or sister a hug for us and hold him/her tight until I am able to do so.
XOXO
Mommy
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
14 Months
Kyler Nathan Gifford-
14 months ago, I woke up feeling like my world had been ripped from within me - I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't speak. All I could manage to do was sob and pray to God that I would get through this, somehow. And here I am, I'm surviving. My heart still aches to hear you laugh, see you smile, watch you grow...My arms still ache to hold you. But I am surviving.
Christmas came and went for the second time since you left this Earth, although this would have been your first Christmas had you been born on time. Last year, I just wanted to cross Christmas off the calendar and not celebrate it at all-just pretend the day was any other ordinary day. I kept trying to have hope, telling myself that surely next Christmas will be different. I'll be pregnant; I'll have a baby, but Christmas came and went and things weren't any different, and I feel even worse. How can a day that is filled with so much celebration be the worst day ever? I never understood why so many people don't like Christmas. Well, now it's not so hard to understand. Holidays just aren't the same without you. Especially when I had dreamed of such wonderful memories with you. But now, how can I possibly be in the mood to celebrate?
As I awoke that day, I was overwhelmed with such strong emotions as I went through every little detail in my mind: Lifting you from your crib and kissing you, telling you Merry Christmas for the first time and bringing you down the stairs to be greeted by your daddy, who would have been so eager to help you open your first Christmas gifts. We would have had the camera ready to capture every little grin, every giggle, every laugh...You would have brought such joy into our lives, sweet baby. It comforts me to know that you were among Angels on Christmas though...you celebrated from Heaven and although I miss you with every fiber of my being, there is no better place for you to have been.
I'm trying to be patient as I wait to become a mommy again. It's just awful when it seems that everybody around me is pregnant when I'm not, and when I've had such a horrible loss, it just makes it even harder to bear. And then when people don't even seem to appreciate the miracle inside them and take it for granted...I just want you back so badly. But I know that can't happen. So until I can have you again, I want to give you a sibling or two, I have so much love inside of me just waiting to be given to a child. But I will try my hardest to be patient. When the time is right, I know you will select such a wonderful, little baby to join this family. We will love that baby and every other child that comes into our lives, but we will NEVER forget you, Kyler. We will never stop loving you or missing you. We will never stop wondering how different it would all be if you had lived, if you were here.
Please help me to be patient as we continue through this journey. Please help me to find peace of mind in knowing that when the time is right, it will happen for us again. Please know how much we love and miss you, son, and please stay close to us, we need you so badly.
Your dad & I went down to the hospital you were born at and donated some hats, blankets and outfits in your memory. Your grandma helped us too, she misses you so much. I still have the tiny, green hat the nurse had placed on your beautiful, little head as she wrapped you in a little blanket and placed you in my arms. Those two items have become my most treasured possessions and I wouldn't have had them if it weren't for someone else, donating them in memory of their own child. So, we too, wanted to provide someone with such a gift, something to remember their angel by.
We love you, Kyler & we miss you more and more each day.
I can't wait to see you again.
xoxoxo Mommy
14 months ago, I woke up feeling like my world had been ripped from within me - I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't speak. All I could manage to do was sob and pray to God that I would get through this, somehow. And here I am, I'm surviving. My heart still aches to hear you laugh, see you smile, watch you grow...My arms still ache to hold you. But I am surviving.
Christmas came and went for the second time since you left this Earth, although this would have been your first Christmas had you been born on time. Last year, I just wanted to cross Christmas off the calendar and not celebrate it at all-just pretend the day was any other ordinary day. I kept trying to have hope, telling myself that surely next Christmas will be different. I'll be pregnant; I'll have a baby, but Christmas came and went and things weren't any different, and I feel even worse. How can a day that is filled with so much celebration be the worst day ever? I never understood why so many people don't like Christmas. Well, now it's not so hard to understand. Holidays just aren't the same without you. Especially when I had dreamed of such wonderful memories with you. But now, how can I possibly be in the mood to celebrate?
As I awoke that day, I was overwhelmed with such strong emotions as I went through every little detail in my mind: Lifting you from your crib and kissing you, telling you Merry Christmas for the first time and bringing you down the stairs to be greeted by your daddy, who would have been so eager to help you open your first Christmas gifts. We would have had the camera ready to capture every little grin, every giggle, every laugh...You would have brought such joy into our lives, sweet baby. It comforts me to know that you were among Angels on Christmas though...you celebrated from Heaven and although I miss you with every fiber of my being, there is no better place for you to have been.
I'm trying to be patient as I wait to become a mommy again. It's just awful when it seems that everybody around me is pregnant when I'm not, and when I've had such a horrible loss, it just makes it even harder to bear. And then when people don't even seem to appreciate the miracle inside them and take it for granted...I just want you back so badly. But I know that can't happen. So until I can have you again, I want to give you a sibling or two, I have so much love inside of me just waiting to be given to a child. But I will try my hardest to be patient. When the time is right, I know you will select such a wonderful, little baby to join this family. We will love that baby and every other child that comes into our lives, but we will NEVER forget you, Kyler. We will never stop loving you or missing you. We will never stop wondering how different it would all be if you had lived, if you were here.
Please help me to be patient as we continue through this journey. Please help me to find peace of mind in knowing that when the time is right, it will happen for us again. Please know how much we love and miss you, son, and please stay close to us, we need you so badly.
Your dad & I went down to the hospital you were born at and donated some hats, blankets and outfits in your memory. Your grandma helped us too, she misses you so much. I still have the tiny, green hat the nurse had placed on your beautiful, little head as she wrapped you in a little blanket and placed you in my arms. Those two items have become my most treasured possessions and I wouldn't have had them if it weren't for someone else, donating them in memory of their own child. So, we too, wanted to provide someone with such a gift, something to remember their angel by.
We love you, Kyler & we miss you more and more each day.
I can't wait to see you again.
xoxoxo Mommy
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