Thursday, April 5, 2012

5 Months, 4 Days

My precious Kyler,
It feels like just yesterday that I marked the passing of 4 months…and now another month has gone by. It is hard to believe. When I was holding you in my arms 5 months ago, I never thought I could continue living without you this long. To be honest, I'm not sure how I am. There have been a lot of changes in my life these past 5 months, but I can still only take one day at a time. I still cannot think of my future, I still cannot see happiness in the horizon, but I do believe that those days will come, so I am holding on. Right now I am just so angry. Angry that you aren’t here with me, angry that I was robbed of a life with you, angry that I have so many years left on this Earth to be without you. I'm just angry. I don’t like this new feeling, yet I can't change it. I am not the same person I was before I lost you. I don't take the little things for granted anymore, I know how it feels to lose something you can never get back, I know what it's like to miss someone so much that you can physically feel your heart break. I am bitter. I am angry. I have lost you and I never thought I would.
Daddy is having a tough time, Kyler. Please visit him in his dreams, he needs you more than ever. While he was home, he kept us going while I took my time to get back into the world and now it is his turn to begin his REAL journey of grief. Please help him through this, and help me as well. I'm still so lost without you.
I read somewhere that the stars in the sky are tiny holes for angels to peek through and watch us from Heaven. I also read that stars are your angel halos. Either way I think about it, it brings me some comfort. Each night before I go to bed, when I take the dogs outside, do you see me looking up to check? I know you are there.
I learned so much during the 26 weeks we had together and the months I have now spent missing you. I learned what it was like to love someone unconditionally, I knew that nothing you ever did or didn't do would alter my love for you. You taught me to hold onto the people I have in my life, for I will never know when they will be taken. You've made me who I am, Kyler, and I am so grateful that you are mine.
I love you, I miss you, I would give anything to have you in my arms again.

1 comment:

  1. My precious grandson Kyler. I miss you so very much. I know you are ok. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and showing me you are happy. Please visit your Mommy and Daddy often, they need to feel you close. Help get your brothers and sisters ready to come down, we will be waiting. I will always love you Kyler.<3 Grammy xoxo