Wednesday, May 9, 2012

6 Months

Kyler- Six months, one week and one day without might as well be a lifetime. I miss you so much, Kyler. No one will ever understand what it has been like without you here. I can still barely wrap my mind around the fact that you're gone. I've done a lot of thinking lately, wondering who you would be...all the things I wish I was doing with you and for you, the things that I took for granted while you were here - they are now the only memories that I have of you. I don't want to have to wait to see you. Life is so unfair. I would have given you everything, I promise you that. I think of you every single day and I pray that I'll be strong enough to live my life in such a way that your short life will not have been in vain. You taught me how precious a child is, a gift that is never to be taken for granted. I've read a lot about how I have to find a new 'normal' and it all seemed to make perfect sense to me at the time but now I am here...6 months later and I don't understand at all how a new normal can be found. I know you would want me to be happy again, I am trying to figure out how to be just that and I think I have to re-define the word 'happy.' I will never be the happy that I used to be, for every moment of happiness I have in this life it will never be genuine happiness, for it will be followed by the sadness of losing you. But somehow, I am okay with that. I wouldn't take back any of my time spent with you, even if it meant I wouldn't hurt anymore. I only hurt because I love you and I wanted so badly to spend my life watching you grow and I wouldn't trade this love for anything, Kyler. Sunday was National Bereaved Mother's Day. I was surprised and upset that no one mentioned you, said your name or made a comment of how you should be there or how our family wasn't complete because you weren't with us. I guess people don't know what to say. I try so often to will people to say your name, to talk about you. I want so badly for others to feel your presence the way that I do. It still just doesn't make sense. Mother's Day is next Sunday..I really need to feel you close then, okay? You know that I am your mom, and I am so blessed to have had you, even if for a short time. I wish there were words to say how much I love you and miss you, but you already know. I can't wait to see you, my angel. One day closer than yesterday. I love you, my baby. Love, Momma

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry Jesi that I didn't remember Bereaved Mother's Day Sunday no excuses I just didn't remember.I try to mention Kyler I miss him so much but I didn't want to upset you anymore than you were. He will always be missed loved and a part of our family. I love you. Kyler grandma loves you and can't wait to meet you.