Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I feel as though i'm in a state of nothingness. I have no clue where I am at this point. Kyler has been gone for a little over 2.5 months and I have now moved into the state of nothingness. What does that mean? I don't feel angry, I don't feel joy, I don't feel enthusiam for anything, I don't smile, I don't laugh...I feel nothing. I just feel completely empty. People call to check on me and I have nothing to say, because I have nothing to tell them that is exciting or new. I breathe because I don't have a choice, I eat because I know that my body needs nutrition, shower because it is what I should do...If it were my choice, I would rather do none of this. All I feel like I want to do is sleep. Have I now moved into a state of depression with this feeling of nothingness? Is this my mind protecting me, because it is simply just too overwhelmed to deal with all of the daily reminders, constant thoughts, and tears? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Am I just going plain crazy now? I know I should find joy in having my family with me everyday because I know they are a blessing and they have all been so good to me, but all I feel like doing is distancing myself from anyone and anything. Distance myself from the possiblity of loss. My best friend is going through a lot. Her brother passed away almost 2 years ago and he just had a birthday. She seems to be getting worse these days. I don't want to be a bad friend, but I just have nothing to give in the way of support. She texts me to tell me what's troubling her in her life and I have nothing to say. I just feel like I have nothing to contribute and nothing to say to anyone anymore. Nothingness..Is this even an emotion? or have I now just completely lost my mind? I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm living as a zombie or living in a terrible movie. It just doesn't feel real. How could this be my life? Losing a baby is supposed to be a story you hear about someone else, I never thought this could be me. I'm not a bad person. How can I be blessed with a beautiful boy and have him taken from me?