Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dear family & friends,
It has been a horribly long three months since the death of our sweet, baby Kyler. We understand that the situation we are in is difficult for some of you to understand or approach. It’s okay, we wouldn’t WANT any of you to understand the pain we feel. Stillbirth is a very sensitive subject and is rarely talked about. Only 1 in 200 women experience such loss. Unfortunately, we were that 1 and it is understandable that it may be difficult for some of you to know what to say. There are behaviors that we have noticed when we begin to talk about our baby.Most people try to change the subject, for fear of saying the wrong thing or making us cry. Nobody knows what to say. What can you say that could possibly make us feel better or make us hurt less? Most things that are said are unknowingly hurtful. It doesn’t take much to trigger our still very raw emotions. Please do not ask if we are better now, know that we will never be “better” without our baby. Please do not say, “Has it already been three months?” Itfeels like three years to us. Please do not make less of Kyler’s life by saying, “You’ll have more.” HE was the one that we wanted. Please do not tell us how great your life is, we are currently living a nightmare. Please do not tell us about someone else’s healthy, new baby. It is one of the most painful things for us to hear when we are grieving for ours. Please do not keep quiet and not mention his name. He is so incredibly real and he will always be a part of our family. Please do not say, “If there is anything I can do..” Please just do it because we can’t, and won’t ask. Kyler was our first child and with us being 3,000 miles away, most of you didn’t get to see me pregnant and didn’t get to meet or hold our baby. But by no means does that make him any less real. He lived, he breathed, he grew, he had a heartbeat, I delivered him after 13 excruciating hours of labor. He was and IS real. I was 25 weeks and 4 days gestation when I delivered my boy. Many babies that are born this early DO live and Kyler very well could have lived as well. Had he had a heartbeat. The next few years are going to be incredibly difficult for Nathan and I. Especially as we approach certain dates such as the first day I found out I was pregnant, when we found out that he was a boy, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween (when we first found out that he had died), November 1 (the day he was born), Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, February 10 (my original due date.) Please understand when we are emotional on these days. Grieving is going to be a lifelong process for us and a situation that we battle each day. We need to be able to say his name often without bringing everyone to tears, we need his life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews, we need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays. We need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it. We need to talk endlessly but at times, to let the phone ring. We need an extra hug, but respect for our space. We need someone to ask how we’re doing and want to know the REAL answer. We need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, ours did not turn out as we had hoped. We need a “handle with care” approach with our hearts, our emotions have been fragile since the day that we said goodbye. We need patience and reminders for our minds, part of us will always be somewhere else. We need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister or brother, daughter or son, and husband or wife we used to be. We are forever changed. We need people to understand why we took pictures of our beautiful baby after his spirit had gone to Heaven. We waited 25 long weeks to meet our precious boy. The few pictures that we DO have, will never be enough but they will be treasured as long as we live. But more than anything, we need you…your support, your friendship, your understanding. We need him to be remembered 15 years from now. A lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold our child again.