Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Due Date Came & Went

My mom & I had put together some care packages in memory of Kyler, which we delivered to the hospital on his due date (one for a boy and one for a girl.) Inside them was a beautiful blanket that my mom crocheted, a tiny hat that I knitted, a little outfit, a disposable camera, a letter I had written telling my story, a list of Funeral Homes in Boise and a little stuffed cow. Delivering them was difficult, I wanted so badly to be at that hospital on the labor and delivery floor delivering my Kyler. But I wasn't. I haven't heard whether or not someone has received our boxes, but with one in 200 pregnancies ending this way, I am sure someone has gotten them, unfortunately. I am so saddened that SOMEONE has to receive them, someone has to follow me in living this terrible nightmare, but I hope I helped bring them peace in knowing that they are not alone. That day was better than I thought it would be, the anticipation leading up to it was worse than the day itself. I spent it with my mom, my sister and sisters in law, and that night I had dinner with my family. I am so incredibly blessed to have the love and support of them. Especially my mom, she has been such an Angel. I went back home to Virginia the day after and I am thankfully getting to spend a couple weeks with Nathan until he leaves in March on deployment until October. I will be lost without him, but hopefully time flies and October is here before we know it.
A couple days after I got home, my mom informed me that one of my previous co-workers had lost their little baby boy on my due date, he was only 17 weeks and was too small to survive. My heart broke. It never gets easier to hear that other women are experiencing this pain, that other babies are dying too soon. Why does this happen? It is against everything that is normal.
February 10, 2012 was the day that my sweet Kyler was due to be born. That day came and went and he was still gone, I went to sleep that night with empty arms. Now, instead of longing for the pregnant belly that I no longer have, I long for the baby that I am not holding, nursing, rocking to sleep and bathing. The baby that was taken from me too soon. The baby that never even got to see his mother's eyes. I miss him so much. I still don't understand why he is gone, why he didn't live, what I did so wrong that I wasn't deserving of him. Time does not heal, everything does not happen for a reason, I am not getting better.

Dearest Kyler,
Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much it hurts. I can't believe the world goes on without you, it's just not fair. I wonder what you would be doing right now, probably sleeping or eating, I wouldn't really care as long as you were here. I always wondered what you would look like the first time you looked at me, the first time you met your mommy. I guess I will have to wait to find out, although I don't like waiting. Your grandma sent me some gifts in your memory, they are beautiful. We have placed them next to you in the living room, I hope you love them. I never thought I would be here, living like this. I never thought you would be gone...I wish so badly that you weren't, I would do anything to have you back. I promise I would have been a good mommy, I would have died in your place..You deserved to live a long life, you didn't deserve to die. Keep shining down on me, I'd love for you to visit me in a dream. I can't wait to see you again, angel. I am one day closer to meeting you..
I love you and miss you more than you know
Love Mommy

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