Monday, March 19, 2012

140 Days

I am here. It has been 140 days without you and I am still trying to figure out how I've survived this long. Although I thought it wasn't possible, my broken heart is still beating, and my chest rises and falls with each breath though still very heavy with sadness. The tears still come, some quietly and some loud, but you are never out of my thoughts. You have forever changed me, Kyler. Almost 5 months later, the questions are all still there and yet they have changed for me. How can the moment I gave birth to you be the happiest and most devastating moment of my life? When will the passing of time not be marked by how long you have been gone? When will I become the new me that I am so desperately trying to figure out how to be? Why can I remember certain details of that day so vividly and yet can’t remember how you felt in my arms? How can it be that it feels like yesterday I was pregnant and waiting for your arrival, and in the same second of time feel like it was a lifetime ago when I saw your beautiful face?
I am a mess, Kyler! I never thought a person could feel two things on the opposite end of the spectrum at the same time. I carry sadness with me at every second of every day and yet I do have times of happiness. I feel anger at the same time I find a moment of peace. I cry while smiling. I laugh while my heart is breaking.
It is so hard not to think I am going crazy. Maybe I am.
One thing is for sure, I have so much love for you that I could not possibly put into words. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I will ALWAYS be your mommy and you will forever be a part of this family.
I have set some of your items up next to you on a bookshelf in our new place, I love that you are sleeping so close to me at night and I long to see you in my dreams every time I close my eyes. Daddy misses you too, he's been gone for a little over a week now and he wishes so badly that he could call home and hear your tiny voice. He's being strong for me though, sometimes I need someone else to be strong for a while, it gets to be too much sometimes. I still can't believe that you're gone. Daddy's deployment is going to be so hard, and I would have had so much fun with you while he was gone. I wish so badly that you were here.
The dogs are getting so big, you would have loved them and they would have been so happy to have someone new to play with. I was so excited for you to grow up with puppies, just like mommy always did. I have decided to start school, I need to get back into the swing of things and I need to be ready to welcome your siblings into our family sometime in the future. You will never be out of my thoughts and you will NEVER be forgotten. Please stay close to me. I love you so much, Kyler.
I miss you.


  1. My sister stumbled across your blog and recommended it to me. I lost my first child at 24 weeks, a daughter named Katy. It will be 5 years this July since I gave birth, held, kissed, then buried my baby. Everything you are feeling, I felt, and still do in varying degrees. Hang in there and know that your son is with you always.

  2. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope my Kyler has met up with Katy and they are keeping each other company :) I will always be thinking of you and your sweet daughter

  3. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope my Kyler has met up with Katy and they are keeping each other company :) I will always be thinking of you and your sweet daughter

  4. I think of you and Nathan so often and send up prayers for you both. I’m so awestruck and amazed at your strength and courage in allowing yourself to honestly feel your pain. Most people just blindly push it down and plaster on a happy face because that is what they think the world wants to see. Darling girl, you are a wonderful mother and you bring honor to Kyler. Please come see me when you are in Boise again. I really want to give you a big hug. ---Tami Brood (Brandon's Mom)

  5. Thank you, Tami. It means so much to know that people care. I will definitely make an appearance next time i'm in boise, hopefully that's fairly soon!