Friday, March 23, 2012

My sister found this for me a few weeks ago and I've absolutely fallen in love with the saying. Kyler will forever be in our home, no matter how much time has passed. I'd like to think that his presence can be felt here as well. When Nathan gets home, (or maybe before) I'm going to buy a Cricut and make this in vinyl lettering to put on the wall next to Kyler. I can hardly wait.
I found a Stillbirth Support Group that meets in my area, I've never been big on support groups, always thought I could handle it on my own. I'm learning though, that I cannot. They meet the first Tuesday of each month, I guess I'd better give it a try. Everything else has failed. I just wish I could run from all the pregnant women that wander around, so carefree. People don't realize how lucky they are, I know I didn't. Never for a second did I think he would be taken from me. I was at Wal-Mart earlier and saw a pregnant lady in front of me and for the first time since we lost Kyler, I started crying in public and put my things down and left. These meltdowns are starting to creep up more often than before. I wish I felt as "strong" as everyone tells me I am. Some days I do, but not today. It's amazing how something like this can turn a happy girl into a bitter, ornery girl. I guess that's to be expected though. It's impossible to go through something so tragic and come out of it unchanged. I miss the old me, though I'm still trying to find the 'new one.'
I had quite a day yesterday. Found a tick on Kona's head and almost had a panic attack, and being the smart girl that I am, I pulled it out with my fingers. Luckily the head came out too but I took her to the vet anyway, just to be sure. Poor thing has a knot on her head where that little booger tried to suck her brains out. Apparently ticks are something we have to worry about in Virginia. Guess there'll be fewer walks through the woods now. Since losing Kyler, these dogs have become so special to me. They have always been my babies, but the feeling is different now. I wouldn't be able to explain it if I tried. Now I just have to watch her closely and make sure we don't all get infected with Lyme Disease.
Nathan has been gone now for almost 2 weeks, only 29 to go. I sent him a package last week, filled with junk food and a little fan so he doesn't sweat to death out in the middle of the ocean. I get to skype him soon, hopefully. I've missed his little dimples.

Still missing you all the time, Kyler. I can hardly wait to see you again. One day closer than yesterday. I love you with all my heart, stay close to me. Kisses and mommy hugs.
I love you so much.


  1. I love that quote too. I can relate to your feelings of falling apart seeing pregnant women and women with babies. It has been 2 years since I loss my stillborn baby, Janessa, and almost a year since I loss my miscarried baby, Hope Abigail. When I run into pregnant women and women with babies, I go through a range of emotions from extreme sadness, happy that they have a living baby, and then anger and jealousy that my babies were ripped away from me and it isn't fair. Life before my loss babies seems a lot easier than my current life. I attended a support group for a year and it really seemed to help to meet with other women who understood what I was feeling and to see that they had the same kind of feelings. ((Hugs))

  2. I totally understand all your emotions! It's crazy how we can feel a hundred different emotions within a few seconds of each other. People won't understand until they've been there, I suppose. Have you gone on to have any living children? I want to be pregnant again so badly, but at the same time, I am terrified that I won't be able to separate my next pregnancy from my pregnancy with Kyler. I just want HIM. No one else.
    Anyway, hang in there. I'll be thinking of you, Janessa and Hope. Such beautiful names

    1. I have 6 living children. Janessa and Hope were number 7 & 8. I haven't been able to get pregnant since my miscarriage even though I long to hold a living baby. All people say to me is be grateful for the 6 you have or you have enough kids. I am grateful for the 6 I have but they can never replace the 2 that aren't there. Whenever we go places now and I'm doing a head count to make sure all the kids are there I always come up empty because there will always be 2 who are missing--it makes me sad.