Sunday, March 25, 2012

No, you DON'T understand

No, you don't understand what it's like to give your son his goodnight kiss as you cradle his tiny, blue urn.
You don't understand how it feels to be petrified each time you open the mailbox, because you know there will be coupons for your baby's first birthday cake, which he will never eat.
You don't know how it feels to come home from the hospital and see that your milk has come in, just to remind you that you will not be nursing your baby.
You have no idea how it feels to watch the whole world move on, knowing that your son will never be in it.
You don't know what an 'Angelversary' is, nor how it feels to cry into a teddy bear in an empty nursery.
You don't know how it feels to hear nothing but silence as the ultrasound technician advises you that your baby's heart has stopped.
You can't begin to fathom the feeling of holding your beautiful baby's lifeless body, knowing that you have to say your final goodbye's before the night is over.
You have no idea how difficult it is to be sure that you have chosen the perfect urn, instead of the perfect crib.
You don't understand why I can't attend your child's first birthday party, or watch them grow up, knowing that my own missed out on an entire lifetime.
You don't understand the gut-wrenching feeling from hearing someone ask you if you have any children, and struggling to find the right words to say.
No you don't understand that even while I smile on the outside, I still have never-ending tears flowing on the inside.
You don't know how it feels to have everyone watching you, waiting for you to breakdown at the sight of a baby, and not understand why you still do, "even after five months."
You don't know what it means to be a Mommy to an Angel, yet have people tell you that 'someday you WILL be a mom.'

I apologize for my rather depressing posts lately, I guess it's just been one of those weeks. I do have my good moments, though I haven't quite reached the point of having 'good days' yet. I guess that all comes with time. As much as I want them to, I know that people will never understand and I just have to be okay with that.
One thing is for sure, I have been blessed with a phenomenal support system. I couldn't ask for a better husband, a better family or better friends. The only reason I have made "progress" is because of them, especially Nathan.
Thanks for reading, I promise I won't be so down-in-the-dumps forever.

1 comment:

  1. Your post made me cry. It's okay to be down in the dumps--it is how we heal and make it through each day. Have you ever read the poem "A pair of Shoes"? Here's a link to my blog where I posted a copy of it