Mother's Day

Kyler-
It's finally here, the day I've been dreading for over six months now. I know you would want me to be happy, you would want me to smile...and yes, even though I do not have you with me, when I was pregnant you brought me such joy, made me smile every minute of every day and giving birth to you and meeting you was a bittersweet blessing. You are God's greatest miracle in my life. Although I pictured this Mother's Day to be quite different, I have found peace in knowing that you are with me today. When I think of how I have survived these 195 days without you, I know that you have carried me through my hardest of days and you were smiling with me when those good days came along. I can't believe Mother's Day is here and instead of holding you in my arms today, it has actually been over six months since I have done so. I am so sad to say that I don't remember how it felt. I want to remember so badly. I want one more hour with you, even one minute to feel you again. My arms still ache for you every single day.  Today I am trying not to be too sad. I want to think of you and be happy as I know that is what you would want for me. I had such dreams of what my first Mother's Day with you would be like and now...it just feels too sad for words. You are still my first thought every morning when I wake up and my last thought before I close my eyes at night. I can't help but think of all the things I would be experiencing with you, all the joys I would be feeling having you in my life. And now all I can do is wait...the rest of my life to be with you again.

I hope you still know how much I love you and miss you...and that you can hear me when I talk to you throughout the day. I can't imagine getting through another six months without you, let alone the rest of my life. I miss you so much Kyler, please be with mommy as I try to continue on as best I can. I am trying to make you proud.

I love you. I miss you. I wish I could have you back in my arms if only for a moment.