Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

It's finally here, the day I've been dreading for over six months now. I know you would want me to be happy, you would want me to smile...and yes, even though I do not have you with me, when I was pregnant you brought me such joy, made me smile every minute of every day and giving birth to you and meeting you was a bittersweet blessing. You are God's greatest miracle in my life. Although I pictured this Mother's Day to be quite different, I have found peace in knowing that you are with me today. When I think of how I have survived these 195 days without you, I know that you have carried me through my hardest of days and you were smiling with me when those good days came along. I can't believe Mother's Day is here and instead of holding you in my arms today, it has actually been over six months since I have done so. I am so sad to say that I don't remember how it felt. I want to remember so badly. I want one more hour with you, even one minute to feel you again. My arms still ache for you every single day.  Today I am trying not to be too sad. I want to think of you and be happy as I know that is what you would want for me. I had such dreams of what my first Mother's Day with you would be like and just feels too sad for words. You are still my first thought every morning when I wake up and my last thought before I close my eyes at night. I can't help but think of all the things I would be experiencing with you, all the joys I would be feeling having you in my life. And now all I can do is wait...the rest of my life to be with you again.

I hope you still know how much I love you and miss you...and that you can hear me when I talk to you throughout the day. I can't imagine getting through another six months without you, let alone the rest of my life. I miss you so much Kyler, please be with mommy as I try to continue on as best I can. I am trying to make you proud.
I love you. I miss you. I wish I could have you back in my arms if only for a moment.

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