Nathan has been away now for an unbearably long and lonely two and a half months, thus I am traveling this journey of grief alone. Although I do have good days stringed together with the bad, I am still unable to bring myself to a point of acceptance. The unfairness of his death and the overwhelming emptiness I feel still comes in waves of sadness and grief. Never ending tears still flow. The pain of a loss is not like a trivial case of the flu. It does not go away. It does not get "easier." It is not cured by a simple prescription. I feel alone and in deep self pity when I think of my entire life that is yet ahead of me.
I still have so many questions - Why did it happen to me? What would have happened had I gone in earlier? What would have happened if I had demanded the medication I needed? What would you be like if you were here? Do you think of me? Did you know I tried everything to keep you safe? I am trying to come to peace with the knowledge that they will never be answered, not in this lifetime.
I do realize the importance of honoring Kyler and remembering him in all that I do. It helps me grieve to talk about him and to openly express my mourning. Most days, my sadness is bearable and other days, it is more than my grieving heart and soul can take. I have my entire adulthood in front of me without my son. I hold stubbornly to the hope that one day, my grief journey will not be so painful.