Saturday, July 7, 2012

8 months of missing you

It has been over 8 months now since you left me. I thought for sure that the pain would have killed me by now, but I'm still here...missing you more and more as each day passes. I hope you know how much I love you and how truly excited I was to meet you and hold you and kiss you...I never thought that you would be lifeless the first time I got to do any of that. I would give anything to have you back in my belly forever...where you were safe.
I was reading through an old notebook today, the one that I had jotted down all of my pregnancy information in...I came across the page that your father and I had scribbled on when we began choosing a name for you. We had to have had 20 names written down, but none of them would have fit you the way that Kyler does. It's one of the few things that we were able to give you in this life...a perfect name.
It's so surreal to think back to a time when I was happy...when you were okay and we were awaiting your joyous arrival into the world. To think that it's been 8 months since we lost you, how is it possible that I am still here and you are not? Why does everyone else get happy, healthy babies while I am grieving the death of mine? What I wouldn't give to hold you one last see you take a breath, smile, feel you in my arms again even if just for a moment.
Do you remember the first time I felt you move? I had just gotten off of work and was sitting on the couch just smiling from ear to ear...the same spot I am sitting in now. And then you just kept on knew that I had been worried about you and it's like you just wanted me to know that you were happy and healthy. & remember all the nights that I was alone while dad was working and I would sing to you? Please always remember my voice. I'll be calling your name when I get to Heaven, I promise. You will be the first person I search for...I can hardly wait to see you running toward me...after waiting for a lifetime.
I love you, Kyler. I am ALWAYS missing you...If only things were different....
One day closer than yesterday, sweet pea.
I miss you,


  1. ((Hugs)) Kyler has a wonderful Mommy and Daddy!

  2. You are sweet, Shauna! WE are the lucky ones to have such a special little boy.