Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What If

My love-
I don't know why, but it has been such a difficult week for me. I was expecting you a year ago, why aren't you here? What if I had gone in when you first stopped moving? Would you have been okay? Could we have saved you? These questions eat at me. You were so perfect Kyler, how is it that you are gone? I had been told for 3 years before I got pregnant with you that I would need medication, yet it was never prescribed to me. Why didn't I demand it? Why did it take them so long to realize I NEEDED that medicine? Why did it take you dying before anyone would listen? What if they had listened to me from the start damnit...listen to me... why didn't I tell them to LISTEN! I remember the moment I realized you had stopped moving, I should have gone in right then...I shouldn't have waited. I was so scared that I had lost you, I just wanted to keep you with me as long as I could but I shouldn't have waited! They tell me that the "next time" I get pregnant, I will be well taken care of and put on the meds immediately. Why wasn't I on them with you? Why should I have to lose you before someone will give a damn? I try so hard not to linger on these questions, I know you wouldn't want me to drive myself crazy over something I can't change...I just want you here so badly. None of it matters...you are gone. And the pain is far too intense for words.
I miss you, son. I often think of you and wonder what you would be doing at any given point in time...are you up there playing with other angel babies and telling them about your daddy & me? Are you playing with baby toys and slobbering on everything? I know you are the most handsome one of the bunch, there is no doubt about that.
I am moving into a new place on Sunday...I will be all alone until your Daddy gets home so please keep me company...I always need to feel you. I am trying to decide how to set up your special spot in our home. I want it to be perfect, it is your resting place. I'm sorry you've been moved around so much, it will all settle down soon I promise. Help me give you the perfect, little area...there's no one better to help me than you.
I hope you know that I will NEVER forget about you. Not in 40, 50, 80 years...I will never forget. You have forever changed me, Kyler. The most joyous memories I have had in this life were with you...and the worst heartache came from losing you. And no matter how terribly painful it is to have lost you, I would rather have had you here and swiftly gone than to have never had you at all.
I love you, I miss you...I still can't wait to hold you.
One day closer than yesterday.
xoxoxoxo Mommy


  1. I think about you and your Kyler often. I just wanted to send you some hugs

  2. Thank you, Felicia. I think of you and your little Kyler as well. I'm sure they have stuck together up there, Kyler & Kyler. :) take care of yourself.