Over 20 Months

Kyler-
How is it possible that more than 20 months have now passed since we laid your tiny, lifeless body in that nurses arms for the last time? It doesn't seem real, I can still see your cute, little nose when i close my eyes. It's like it was just yesterday. Yet so much has changed during this time.
I still think about you constantly. I don't believe that there is ever a moment when you are completely absent from my mind. You are always there, always with me...I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I had a major breakdown on Saturday night. I haven't seen myself like that for quite some time...I don't mind though. It makes me feel so close to you, like you are actually here with me. What i wouldn't give to REALLY have you though, more than just in spirit. To really hold you, and kiss your tiny head, to whisper how much I love you & to know that you can hear me. I often find myself imagining scenarios in my mind that involve you. Scenarios of what i believe my life would be like if you hadn't died...who you may have grown to look like, what your favorite toy would be, your favorite movie, how much you would remind me of your Daddy. How i wish I knew any of those basic, yet so special, details...I do know that you would have brought nothing but joy into our lives and we would have cherished everyday & every hour that we had to spend with you. If i have any regrets at all, it is that i took advantage of our short time together. I never imagined that there would come a day that you would no longer be here...I don't even know the exact moment you left us, I wish i did though. I wish i knew that your last little kick was your special way of saying goodbye. I don't even remember your last kick, I don't know what i was doing at the time, I just know that by the time i realized it was your last, it was too late. If i could change anything at all, I would have made sure to tell you every single day what a blessing you were in my life. You still are nothing but a blessing, Kyler. You have impacted me beyond words. Because of you, I had many months filled with such immeasurable joy & although that joy was followed by the most agonizing pain, our time together made it all so worth it.
I was looking through your pictures today...although they are few, they are the most precious items I possess. There is just something so special about seeing you. You were so beautiful, Kyler. I will be forever grateful that we decided to take those photos. There are only 5 of them and the quality is less than perfect but they are the only memories I have of you. & they are the most beautiful reminders of those few moments we were able to spend with you.
I know i haven't written you in too long, Mommy is so overwhelmed with the scary unknown of this current pregnancy & bed rest. Please stay close to your baby sister, Kyler. Keep urging her to stay strong and to continue fighting! We know when she comes, she will bring a special piece of you with her & each time we look at her, we will think of you. We just need her here with us! Please watch over her & protect her the best that you can and let her know how anxious we are to meet her. We love you beyond words, son & we miss you more & more as each day passes without you. Can't wait to see you again...
One day closer than yesterday.
XOXO Mommy