17 months have now passed since I held your tiny, fragile body in my arms and kissed you goodbye. So much has changed during these months, I still miss you unbearably so and it still hurts every moment of everyday, but that will never change. Your original due date anniversary came and went a couple of months ago. To think that you would have been a bouncing, one-year old little boy...we would have been celebrating your first Birthday. I still find it hard to believe that you are gone. I'm sorry i haven't written you in so long, it has become quite difficult to find the right words to say. I just wish you were here, Kyler. I can't say that enough. I would do anything just to see your sweet, little eyes one last time.
As you know, your Mommy & Daddy are expecting another baby. I never imagined how difficult this subsequent pregnancy would be and how much it would remind me of you. Everything that happens, everything i do makes me think of you. You were the first person that came to my mind when we found out we were expecting. It was like i was pregnant with you again.
I still remember that day. There are not many days i remember more vividly. My life was changed forever because I finally knew i had a purpose and it was nothing other than being your Mommy. Since that day, we have moved 5 times. I am now back in the same house I was in when I found out you were coming to our family. it is also in this house that we found out we were expecting your soon-to-be baby brother or sister. I cannot begin to put into words how that feels. I am terrified of the mere thought that nothing will be "yours" anymore. This was your special place. This was the place that my life changed forever. I don't want to use your things. I don't want people to forget that you existed. You are still very much alive in my heart and you will forever be.
About a week ago, I walked into the closet and pulled out a long sleeved, purple maternity shirt and put it on. One that used to mean nothing more to me than any other shirt I owned. But it was in this very shirt that I walked into my doctor's office the day we found out you were a boy. I have pictures all over of me wearing this shirt with a little blue sticker stuck to my tummy, which read, "It's a Boy!" This shirt then meant something to me. Each time I wore it throughout your pregnancy, I thought of how excited I was to meet you and how incredibly excited I was to have a little, Mommy's boy. It was also in this shirt that I stepped into my doctor's office once more, this time was to find out why you had stopped moving. I didn't know it at the time, but this shirt would be the one I was wearing the very last time I rubbed my tummy and tried to coax you to move. It was in this shirt that I found out you had died. I don't think I will be able to wear that shirt any longer. It is yours. It holds too many memories of you and I don't want to share that with anyone else.
I am terrified to plan for and get excited about this baby, Kyler. It isn’t fair and I hate that I feel a bit disconnected. I am terrified at each doctor’s appointment that they won’t find the heartbeat and I cry at each appointment until they do and tell me everything is alright. I am scared every single minute. How can I not be? I know that means I love this baby with all my heart, but somehow I still just feel like I am keeping my distance. In my heart, I was afraid that when people knew about this baby, that they would think all was “better” with us and I feared they would forget about you. I also didn't know how to prepare for all the questions…”How are you feeling?, How is the baby doing? What does the doctor say or think about this pregnancy? When are you due? What is going to happen? Are you scared that it will happen again?” When I was pregnant with you, my answers were always so positive…I always felt good, you were always doing great…and in the end it didn’t matter. I lost you anyway. So even with all the prayers people said for us and all the great doctor visits and checkups, it didn’t mean a damn thing…I didn’t get to bring you home alive. I brought you home in an urn. I can’t go through all that again.
I would never want you to think you are being replaced...It has almost been a year and a half and I still can't figure out how to survive without you. I am still unable to wrap my head around everything that has happened. I don't know that I will ever understand...Speaking of not knowing what to do…I am trying to survive this pregnancy the best way I can. At first, I had no doubt that I wanted your sibling to use the things that we bought for you with such love and excitement…but now, I am not sure if it feels right. I don’t know if I feel your things are just too “you” and that I should just leave them, or if I am feeling like this baby deserves their own room and things. I just don’t know. Either way it is going to be hard. If we don’t use your things, then what am I supposed to do with them? I am not ready to give them away or sell them…I don't think I will ever be ready to do that, but you really have so much stuff…what will I do with it all?
I miss you, Kyler. I never want you to think otherwise. I have never in my life known the feeling of having so much love for someone as I have for you. Please help me through this pregnancy, I don't think I will survive without you.
I love you, Kyler.
I can't wait to see you again. Give your brother or sister a hug for us and hold him/her tight until I am able to do so.