Monday, June 15, 2015

To My Little One's

Kyler & Preslie:
Kyler -
Wow. Has it really already been over 4 years since my journey of motherhood began? Can it be possible that I have endured this pain for 4 years? Most days, it still doesn't seem real. Most days, I can still convince myself that I am living two lives: the one where I lost you and have had to live every day since that moment and the life that I had before you, when I couldn't have possibly comprehended the magnitude of pain I have felt since your passing. Sometimes, I ask myself how I can possibly live another day - how can one continue to live, breathe, work and carry on with daily activities when 2/3 of her heart is missing? How have I survived 4 years? I guess the true question is not how I have survived, but how I will continue to survive this life without you. I can't fathom this pain for another 70+ years. Is a heart meant to hurt so much, yet still be able to beat?
I found myself searching through your baby box a few days ago. I can still remember everything so vividly - feeling the weight of you in my arms, the way your tiny, green hat covered the silky, dark hair on your head & how badly I wanted to be able to feel those locks of hair everyday for the rest of my life, yet being unable to find a way to make that memory last. I wanted you SO badly, Kyler. I remember looking at you and knowing that I would never be able to bathe you. I would never wash your dark, brown hair. I would never be able to reach down to kiss you and breathe in your sweet smell. I would never wake in the night to hear you calling for me and walk into your room to tuck you back into bed. I would never walk you to the school bus and wave to you as the bus disappeared and stand and wait as it returned again after a seemingly endless first day of school. I would never hear your cry. No matter how hard I have tried, I have never been able to imagine what your voice may have sounded like. I remember looking at you, as you laid still and quiet in my arms, and begging you to cry. I begged. One tiny whimper was all I wanted. It was then that I would know that you were okay. But you didn't cry. And I handed you back to the nurse knowing that I would never hear the music of your tiny voice in my ears. Oh how I miss you. How I have missed you every day since you've gone. I pray for strength to endure this life without you.
I love you, Kyler. I miss you every single day.

Preslie -
On this day 2 years ago, I was pregnant with you. I had been on bed rest for over 2 weeks and had been fighting the hardest fight of my life to keep your tiny body safe within mine. I cherished every tiny kick, roll and flutter. I would lie awake at night, with my  hand rested on my belly, waiting for you to move. I just KNEW that you would be okay. I had all the faith in the world that my sweet baby girl would survive this. I  knew it was going to be a battle, but I knew that we would win. And we did. In the end, we won 9 days together. 9 days that I was able to touch you, smell you and watch your tiny, brown eyes stare back into mine. I can't think of anything I have enjoyed more than the time I spent with you - reading to you, placing my hand on your back as it raised and fell with each breath, watching your sleep. But, there's not a thing I wouldn't give for just one more day. If I had known that your last day was your last, I would have done things so differently. I would have read you one more story, I would have held you longer, rocked you more and told you how much I love you, one more time. I would have stayed by your side the entire night, I never would have left you alone.
Preslie, I know that you chose to come to Earth and give me the gift of your presence. I know you were so ill and tired and that you deserved to go home to your Heavenly Father but I know you chose to come to me. You heard me beg you every night to fight for one more day, and you did that. You fought every single day until you grew too tired to fight anymore, and that's okay! I am okay. I am just so thankful that you fought hard enough to be able to spend time with me. Do you know how much that means? Those 9 beautiful days worth of memories are going to last me a lifetime - they have to. Because that's all I have and I am so thankful. I am thankful that your brother taught me to cherish every moment I would get with you. He taught me to take a few more pictures and to treasure each second we spent together - because it was longer than I had with him.
I was able to watch your Daddy read to you and to know that you heard him. I was able to change your tiny diaper, feed you some breast milk and wrap your little fingers around mine. I was able to bathe you and dress you in the first and last outfit you would ever wear. What a blessing it was that I was allowed those last, precious moments with you. Thank you for holding on as long as you did and for allowing your Daddy & I to hold you as you slipped away to be with Jesus. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful 9 days that I will ever have in this life. I witnessed a miracle, Preslie. No one believed that you would make it, but I did. I knew you would & you gave that to me. You allowed me a glimpse of what it feels like to be a mother & I pray that I am able to be a mom once again in this life.
I love you, I miss you. I am so thankful to me your mommy.

I cannot wait to see you both. Tomorrow when I wake, I am one day closer to holding you again.
Stay close to me & help me make these difficult decisions. Lead me in the right direction and know that I miss you every single day of my life.
xoxoxo Mommy.

1 comment:

  1. ((HUGS)) Jesi! I still think about you, Kyler, and Preslie often.