It has now been over 1,600 days since I met my son, Kyler, for the first and the last time. 1,600 days since I watched the nurse carry his tiny, lifeless body out of my hospital room, wrapped so perfectly in his newborn blanket that it made it almost hard to believe he was gone.
It has now been over 950 days since my sweet, baby Preslie died in my arms. 950 days since I watched the doctor remove her breathing tube and allow me to kiss her pretty lips for the first time, as she took her very last breaths.
There have been many days that I don't remember, days where I was so buried within my own grief that I wasn't sure how to put one foot in front of the other. Days that I was certain I could feel my heart break within my chest. There have been days that I could feel my children so close to me, it's almost as if they were actually close enough to touch. And then there were days that it seemed like I would never feel their presence again. There have been days of insurmountable pain, far too great to be overcome. And other days that I am able to smile as I relive their memories.
International Bereaved Mother's Day was created in 2010. One year before I would know what it meant to be a Bereaved Mother. One year before my entire life would change and I would become part of a group of women that we all pray to never be part of.
I am truly thankful for the recognition that is given to mother's who have lost children. A day that is for nothing more than to acknowledge the immense heaviness that is within us as Mother's Day approaches and our children are no longer here to share it with.
Over the last 4 1/2 years, I have learned that there are no words of wisdom to be given on a subject regarding feelings that one cannot possibly comprehend. I have had to beat to my own drum and attempt to continue living a life that felt so unreal.
On this day, International Bereaved Mother's Day, I remember my son Kyler, who changed my life forever. It was because of HIM, that I first became a Mom.
I also spend this day remembering my sweet, tiny Preslie - who changed my life in countless ways. It was because of HER that I was able to experience the joys of motherhood. I was able to read to her, sing to her, watch her sleep & stare at her as she looked back into my eyes. I was able to feed her breastmilk, I changed her diaper and was even able to bathe her after she passed away. There are days it seems like I have lived two lives & I hardly feel like a mom, but I am so thankful for days like today, that I can remember my children and know that I AM a mother and that moms like me have a special day set aside for them too.