June

My Precious Kyler,
One year ago, I was pregnant with you. I became the happiest Mommy in the world on June 11, 2011 when I found out that you were coming. Daddy found out on June 18th, my birthday and one day before Father's Day...You were the perfect birthday gift. There were a lot of firsts June of last year...The first doctor's appointment, first ultrasound, first Father's Day...who would have known that a year later, you wouldn't be here? I don't think I would have wanted to know...I was over the moon excited when I saw you on the screen for the first time. I couldn't believe that I was finally going to be a Mommy. It seems like so long ago that I was pregnant with you, yet it feels like just yesterday that I held you in my arms. I don't want to say that I am getting better, because I never will be. But I am forced to act normal out in the world, although I'd rather stay inside and talk to you.
It has now been 7 months since you left us...I have a couple of your outfits with me, the biggest one that's here is a 6 month size, which you would have outgrown by now. I held it up and looked at it and pictured you in it. It's hard to believe that you never got to wear any of those outfits I had spent so much time picking out for you. I wanted you to look perfect. I know I say this all the time, but it just isn't fair. I wish I could have stopped time, I wish I could have kept you safely inside me forever.
7 months, Kyler. We are more than halfway through our first year without you. I don't know how I am still here, I don't even know how I will survive another day. I had pictured my life to be so different, I always thought you would be here. I think about you most often as an infant, because I can't bring myself to think of the many, many years that I lost. Never seeing your beautiful smile, never hearing your first word, never feeding you or bathing you, never sending you off for your first day of school, never seeing your High School graduation, never meeting your wife or your children. I wonder who you would become. What your children would be like, how many you would have. Would they look like you?
You know that I would give ANYTHING to have you here with me, right? I spend most of my time waiting for the next tragedy, waiting for more bad news. I can't picture myself as a mother to a living child, though I want to be so badly. But even if I have 100 more children, they will never be YOU. They will never replace you. If only you were here...
I miss you, I love you. It won't be a day too soon when I see you again, and hold you forever.
Mommy