Wednesday, September 5, 2012

10 Months Too Long...

Mommy's Little Boy-
I have now survived an unbearably long 10 months without you. As I say each month, although I thought it not possible, I am still breathing. How could it be that I am still here and you are not? I still miss you so much, Kyler! When will the pain subside?
Your daddy will be home in less than two months and I'm not sure how we are supposed to go on with our lives without you. This isn't the way it was supposed to be...this isn't what we  had planned. But somehow, we have to continue to live...even though you are gone. Do you still watch down on me and your father? I haven't felt you around lately, I really miss your presence and I need you now more than ever.
Fall is just around the corner and it used to be my favorite season. I loved Halloween and I so enjoyed decorating and carving pumpkins and handing out candy. I had such plans for our first Halloween together, you were going to be all bundled up and trick o' treating with me and your Aunt Sami but we both know that it will never be the same for me again. That was the last time I was truly happy. Just moments before I found out that you were gone...who would have known that one of my favorite holidays would now become a dreadful day for me? I don't know what to do. I wish your daddy was going to be home on your 1st Angel-versary but he won't. And I am left to face the day alone. I know you will help me through it, you always do.
I often think of your short life and how honored I am to have spent every minute of that special life with you. You lived within me and grew within me and you changed my life forever. I still remember the last time I felt you move, (although at the time, I didn't know it would be the last.) Dad was working and we were having our normal night together, laying on the couch with the pups and you were moving like crazy! More so than you had ever moved before and I couldn't help but smile. I remember thinking about how anxious I was to hold you. I just wanted you right then so I could hug you and kiss you and feel you wiggle in my arms instead of my belly...You moved around for a while before I finally drifted to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I had realized you were gone. I often wonder if you suffered, if your movements were jolts of pain. Were you trying to tell me you needed help? Were you trying to say goodbye? Did you know that you were leaving the Earth? I wish I would have known that I would never feel you again...I would have treasured our last moments together.
I still cry often, Kyler. Although it is not as often as in the beginning, the tears still come frequently & when they do, I can't do anything to stop them. I never understood what it was like to love someone unconditionally. I always heard your grandma and grandpa say it to me, but I never knew what the special "parents love" was like. Not until you came into my life. No one can quite understand that love until they become a parent themselves. And I loved you instantly. And with that love comes the crippling pain and sadness of loss that I also never knew existed. But I would do it over again a thousand times...just to be able to spend another 6.5 months with you. I love you, Kyler & I miss you everyday. Your candle is burning right next to you & I am going to continue light it everyday until I see you again...
I love you, I miss you. I still can't wait to hold you, handsome.


  1. Jesi,

    I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I remember seeing your first posts about it and saying many prayers then. From time to time I see your Facebook posts and think of you and your family.

    I'll include you and your family in my prayers tonight and remember to do so often in the future. We weren't very close but know that you touch others lives with your strength and faith.

    -Taylor Massey

  2. Thank you, Taylor. You can't imagine how much encouraging words have helped me...thank you for taking your time to read my blog and let my little Kyler touch your life. Your prayers are so needed and appreciated.
    Thank you again.