11 months & counting

My Angel-
Wow- to think that I held you in my arms just a little over 11 months ago...Who would have thought that things would turn out the way that they have? I still miss you so much, Kyler. I had such dreams of our life together. And not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you and wondered how differently it would all be if you were still here.
It is so hard to think about this time last year. Halloween is slowly approaching & I have been dreading this season all year, the season that I so used to look forward to.. While everyone was at their Halloween parties and taking their children trick-or-treating, I was in labor and preparing myself to say goodbye to you. This holiday will never be the same for me again. I know I think & say this every month but I still don't know how I've survived this long. I just can't wait to hold you again.
I still remember the night we shared just a few days before you passed. Dad & I were carving pumpkins, talking about all the things we couldn't wait to do once you arrived. We had begun planning your future, we had talked about your first Halloween costume, your first birthday...We were so excited to meet you...& we still are. I guess we will just be waiting a little bit longer than we had planned. I don't think I'll be carving a pumpkin this year. Nothing feels quite right anymore.
I can only imagine how big you would be right now...and how much you would have grown and changed during these 11 months. I hate that I only get to imagine all of these things. What I wouldn't give to see what you would look like now, to hear you laugh, to see you smile, to watch you sleep. I don't know how I will survive another year of this heartache. It is even more difficult to see photo's of friend's babies that were born around the time that you were born...or around your due date. It is just a constant reminder of what I don't have...all the things I never got to experience with you. All the things that other mom's take for granted. I don't think people could ever fully understand the heart wrenching pain of losing a child unless they have been there. & I hope and pray that no one ever has to feel the way that I have felt for 11 months now. I wish your father could have been here to help me, I can only imagine how much easier this would have all been with him by my side. But I will do my best to smile and wait until I finally get to kiss your precious, little face again. Oh how I wish I would have held you just a little bit longer, given you a few more kisses and told you I loved you just one more time. There are so many regrets from that morning that I said goodbye...I wish I could go back. I wish I would have known what to do before it was too late. Every night when I close my eyes, I see your perfect face and I remember exactly how it felt when the nurse carried you away from me for the last time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the beginning, back to the time when everything was so raw. It was then that I felt so close to you and I could still remember the way you felt in my arms. I would give anything to remember that feeling, but I can't and it tears me apart. I would do things so differently if only I had the chance...
I am trying to decide what to do on your Angelversary. I want it to be so special, although I feel as though nothing will be enough. Your life was so short, yet so perfect and you changed mine forever. I want to do something to signify how precious that little life was and is. I don't want the one year mark to come...I don't want to feel any farther away from you but each day that passes is one day farther from the last time I held you.
I still cry often, though not every day and I feel so guilty when I realize I went a whole day without crying. It is when I am sad that I feel closest to you. I don't ever want you to think I have forgotten you, it is never going to happen. But I have learned to be strong, I have learned to cope and I am finally beginning to heal this broken heart of mine the best way that I know how. But in no way does that mean I have forgotten you or that I have moved on. The pain has become more live-able, but it is still there and this hole in my heart will never be filled until the day that I hold you again.
I love you so much, Kyler. I can't even begin to describe the joy I felt when I held you for the first time. I just wish it would have been longer...
I can't wait to see you again.
xoxoxo
Mommy