Sunday, December 2, 2012

1 year, 32 days

I know I haven't written you for a while, there is just so much to say it's overwhelming. Here I am, still breathing, still living without you. One year has passed and I never thought I'd survive to see the day. Has it really been 13 months without you? Have I really walked past your little urn, kissed you and told you how much I miss you every night and day for 13 months? It doesn't seem possible. I still remember the exact moment you were born. 5:24am on Tuesday, November 1, 2011. It seems as though it was yesterday. I miss you so much still and the heartache hasn't lessened. Not one tiny bit. I think I am better at faking it though, putting on a smile so other's don't have to see how terribly bad I'm still hurting. I still wish I could make everyone else understand.
Your dad has been home for about a month now and he misses you so much, too. I can see the hurt in his eyes when he talks about you and how he should be bouncing his little boy on his knee instead of kissing your tiny urn. You should be here right now, Kyler. Growing, talking...learning from your mom & dad. This last year has been filled with the most unbearable heartache a parent will ever endure. I never thought the day would come that you wouldn't be here, and then just like that, you were gone. I took our time together for granted..I wish so badly that I could go back. You never got your first bath, never played ball with your dad, never attended school...never kissed your mommy. I just want to go back in time. I need you here with me, Kyler!
When I was at the pier waiting for your dad to get off the ship, I was surrounded by new mommy's with their beautiful, little babies just waiting to meet their daddy's. It was the most difficult day I have had in months. Your daddy should have been getting off that ship and running to see his little boy. As hard as I try, I still can't break myself from the "what-if's" and all the memories that we never got to make with you. I really do try to smile when i think of you and our short time together, but no matter how hard I try, my smile is still hidden by my tears. I honestly thought that I would be in a different place by now, but I am not. I don't know if I will ever be. Maybe the tears don't come quite as often as they did in the beginning,  but when they come, they come on hard. I wish I had more silent tears...the ones that could be mistaken for happy tears, or tears of fond memories. But no, these tears are heart wrenching, can't breathe, full body tears. I'm so sorry you still have to see me like that, sobbing out of control.
I struggle a lot with everything. The way everything turned out. I am so angry that my body betrayed me in that I had blood clots that could have been prevented. My body betrayed me and I will never do all the things with you that I wanted to do. I hope you know that I would have done anything. I would have given up everything if it meant that you would live. I would have gone in your place...
So what now, Kyler? What do I do now that the one year mark is over? Will I suddenly start to feel better? Will I no longer dread holidays, anniversaries, etc the way I did this year? I still don't know what to do. I say that everyday, yet somehow I am making it. I'm living. I just don't know how.
I often think of your time on this Earth and how you spent your entire life, literally...your entire life... with me. Just below my heart. You heard it beating, you heard me whispering that I loved you and that I couldn't wait to meet you. You felt my movements, every step i took, you were there. It brings me comfort sometimes to know that you felt me from the inside and you knew I was your mom. I did everything I could to protect you.
I love you, Kyler. I can't wait to see you again.
one day closer
xoxo Mommy