Tuesday, January 1, 2013

14 Months

Kyler Nathan Gifford-
14 months ago, I woke up feeling like my world had been ripped from within me - I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't speak. All I could manage to do was sob and pray to God that I would get through this, somehow. And here I am, I'm surviving. My heart still aches to hear you laugh, see you smile, watch you grow...My arms still ache to hold you. But I am surviving.
Christmas came and went for the second time since you left this Earth, although this would have been your first Christmas had you been born on time. Last year, I just wanted to cross Christmas off the calendar and not celebrate it at all-just pretend the day was any other ordinary day. I kept trying to have hope, telling myself that surely next Christmas will be different. I'll be pregnant; I'll have a baby, but Christmas came and went and things weren't any different, and I feel even worse. How can a day that is filled with so much celebration be the worst day ever? I never understood why so many people don't like Christmas. Well, now it's not so hard to understand. Holidays just aren't the same without you. Especially when I had dreamed of such wonderful memories with you. But now, how can I possibly be in the mood to celebrate?
As I awoke that day, I was overwhelmed with such strong emotions as I went through every little detail in my mind: Lifting you from your crib and kissing you, telling you Merry Christmas for the first time and bringing you down the stairs to be greeted by your daddy, who would have been so eager to help you open your first Christmas gifts. We would have had the camera ready to capture every little grin, every giggle, every laugh...You would have brought such joy into our lives, sweet baby. It comforts me to know that you were among Angels on Christmas though...you celebrated from Heaven and although I miss you with every fiber of my being, there is no better place for you to have been.
I'm trying to be patient as I wait to become a mommy again. It's just awful when it seems that everybody around me is pregnant when I'm not, and when I've had such a horrible loss, it just makes it even harder to bear. And then when people don't even seem to appreciate the miracle inside them and take it for granted...I just want you back so badly. But I know that can't happen. So until I can have you again, I want to give you a sibling or two, I have so much love inside of me just waiting to be given to a child. But I will try my hardest to be patient. When the time is right, I know you will select such a wonderful, little baby to join this family. We will love that baby and every other child that comes into our lives, but we will NEVER forget you, Kyler. We will never stop loving you or missing you. We will never stop wondering how different it would all be if you had lived, if you were here.
Please help me to be patient as we continue through this journey. Please help me to find peace of mind in knowing that when the time is right, it will happen for us again. Please know how much we love and miss you, son, and please stay close to us, we need you so badly.
Your dad & I went down to the hospital you were born at and donated some hats, blankets and outfits in your memory. Your grandma helped us too, she misses you so much. I still have the tiny, green hat the nurse had placed on your beautiful, little head as she wrapped you in a little blanket and placed you in my arms. Those two items have become my most treasured possessions and I wouldn't have had them if it weren't for someone else, donating them in memory of their own child. So, we too, wanted to provide someone with such a gift, something to remember their angel by.
We love you, Kyler & we miss you more and more each day.
I can't wait to see you again.
xoxoxo Mommy 

1 comment:

  1. Still missing you Kyler, Grandmas little angel. You kissed my heart and I Willi never be the same. Always loving you I wil never forget you little pumpkin.<3 Grandma